It is hard to accept that God sometimes gives us blessings that we cannot keep. November is traditionally a month to express thankfulness, and never in all my Novembers have I had to struggle so hard to express that thankfulness through the sorrow that filled my heart. You see, for six short weeks, one small life changed our lives forever.
We were "done" having kids... and those two little blue lines made us realize we weren't done at all. I was burnt out and discontent as a mother, and in one moment, I was renewed and ecstatic to be a mommy again. The day before I found out I was carrying a new life I had found the courage to speak truth and throw off some baggage I had been carrying far too long. It really was in God's perfect timing that after burying some of the angry ghosts of my past I was at a place to be able to receive this precious gift with joy instead of resentment.
There was joy, so much joy. Even after the heartbreak, there is still joy. Joy that he was with us, no matter how short, joy that we know where he has gone, joy that we can see him someday. But there is now a piece of us that is missing. That life, that potential, all the hopes and dreams wrapped around that tiny person are now walking along side us, a blank space that doesn't get to be filled. We hope there will be other babies to fill our arms, but they will never replace or repair the pain of the one we carry in our hearts.
In the short time I carried our baby, I had many of the early symptoms that I had with Grant, which leads us to believe I was carrying another boy. We named him Phoenix, which represents rebirth - his rebirth into Heaven, my rebirth as a mother, and the rebirth of our commitment to parenthood, letting God tell us when we are done, not the other way around. We chose Josiah because he also was a rebirth of the Godly kings in the Bible, a rebirth of the Israelite's commitment to God.
It has been a hard month. Moments that we anticipated the day we first saw that positive test, they never came. What did come were moments when I found myself weeping because others were pregnant and I was not, or sobbing in my three year old's arms because he told me he was going to "take his big airplane up to Heaven and get Mama's baby back." There were days I desperately wished other people knew what I was going through, and yet I couldn't bear the thought of telling them.
We had planned to announce the baby on Thanksgiving. So after a few weeks of just trying to function, we simply wanted to get away and hold our little family close on this holiday of counting blessings. So we did. A little cabin, a beautiful lake, and a turkey dinner at a picnic table where we thanked God for Phoenix and the impact he had on our lives in that brief span.
We're still picking up pieces. We are still finding our eyes filled with tears at unexpected moments. We understand that this was a gift, and a lesson. Something to heal from and grow into. And we are learning to accept that sometimes God gives us blessings that we don't always get to keep.
