Then, two days later, the heartbreak happened. We lost our baby. All of the excitement and thankfulness and hope became a gaping hole, an emptiness we now carried with us. Now those 'blessed and grateful' posts seemed like a slap in the face. All the baby bump photos and autumn themed baby announcements were painful. The Baby Makes 5 sign and the tiny pumpkins that I had gathered for our own family photo shoot were stored out of sight.
My miscarriage triggered a flare up of inflammation and increased pain. Some of the health measures I was taking caused a temporary onset of neurological symptoms and I began having visual distortion, memory lapses, and panic attacks. Stuart's schooling and work load increased and we struggled to find balance as a family. Suddenly, it was not so easy to find thankfulness in our circumstances.
I cannot tell you the process, nor can I take credit for the strength that brought us through the last year. Grief is a many faceted creature, and the only way we kept ourselves afloat was by turning to God, turning to each other, and turning to friends who cried with us, prayed for us, and offered us hope. We learned to forgive the hurtful, but usually well intended words, and we thanked God for the ones who brought us meals, hugged us tight, and said, "I'm here".
It's November again, and the gratitude posts are circulating once more. This year, they are not as painful, even though our circumstances have not changed so much. Our baby is still gone, my health is still not great, and we are still trying to find balance as we transition to a self-employed business.
Yesterday, one of my friends and a fellow Hope Mom, posted asking people to name one thing they were grateful for, and three reasons why. And while I have many things I am grateful for, when I read her question and pondered it through the day, I kept coming back to the word "loss".
I am thankful for loss.
I am thankful for how loss reminds me how much I have gained. There are many things in life that remind us not to take things for granted, but there are fewer things more powerful than death to make us realize how precious the people in our life are. In losing one child, I uncovered a newfound appreciation for each day that I am given with my other children. And while it is gut wrenching hard to explain and help children process grief and loss, their simple faith and childish understanding brought me more comfort than anyone else. Helping others through their loss has helped me find healing in mine.
I am thankful for loss because it has opened doors. Several years ago, I felt like everyone I cared about was taken away. My best friend and I parted ways, my crush quit texting me, and I discovered that someone I admired had been lying to me for years. It felt like God had pulled the rug out from under me. For about 8 months I felt isolated and alone. Then I met someone who I never would have fully appreciated if those other friends had been in my life. He became my best friend, my crush, and my hero all in one... so I married him! Likewise, there are now many women I am honored to call my friends that I met through the loss of my baby and the loss of my health. Circumstances of loss give us the change in perspective to gain friendship and empathy for people we might otherwise not connect with.
I am thankful for what loss has given me to look forward to. Before we lost Phoenix, my kids didn't really understand the concept of Heaven. An unseen God living in an unseen place is hard enough for an adult mind to grasp, let alone a toddler. But now, they know that it is a place where our loved ones will be, not just the baby brother they didn't get to meet, but others who are dear to our family. We are able to turn that anticipation into faith, belief that we can see them again. What better encouragement to stay strong and walk the Christian path than to know that our loved ones are cheering us on, waiting for us to be reunited?
Thankfulness has not taken away the grief. There will always be sadness attached to what we have lost. It will have it's ups and downs - all healing does. That is an inherent part of love, that we also have to hurt sometimes. But having loss does not mean I am lost, and the things I have gained give me much to be thankful for.
