Funny Little Thing Called Worth

I grew up with the belief that a mother's worth lies in what she sacrificed for her children. And that, unless she sacrificed it all, she was selfish or messed up or influenced by feminist worldview. Her time, her health, her hobbies - all of it had to be laid on the altar of motherhood with the hope that someday she might be able to regain some of it once her kids grew up. "Milk/medicine/_____ is for the children" was a phrase burned into my mind at a young age; even though I didn't feel like this self-depreciation was right, it still molded my actions when I became a mother.

My husband and I are focusing on our health this year, both physical & mental. Recently, I was recommended for a therapy that is relatively expensive, and while discussing it with Stuart, I mentioned that the price was making me hesitant to try it. When he pointed out that just a single visit to his holistic doctor had cost nearly that much, my immediate thought was "Yes... but you're worth it." Now, I've been working a lot on self-care and learning to combat my negative preset responses, but it's still there. And I don't use the word 'combat' lightly.

You see, I fight daily to keep my head above the waves of worthlessness and the gaping void of depression that tries to pull me in. It was only by the grace of God and the love of some very good friends that kept me going. And when I found myself thrown into motherhood dealing with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and my skewed perception of my role in life, it was the love and support of my husband that made me reach out for help.

Because maybe, if others saw my worth, I could see it too. And, maybe, if the man of my dreams thought I was valuable - I could find value in myself as well. So I did. It's not an easy journey, and I don't think I'll ever completely reach the end, but I am finally on the path to healing. I am valuable, for who I am, not just for what I can offer. Being a mom is just one of the many things I do, and being a genuine, wholehearted person is a much greater legacy to pass on to my children than being bitter or feeling selfish for wanting alone time. Finding my peace & teaching my kids to find theirs is purpose filling and gives my role meaning.

"God loves us the way we are, but he loves us too much to leave us that way."